Love, trust, mutual respect and care are the four main pillars of a healthy long term relationship. Even when one of these things are missing, the healthy balance is lost.
Whenever we think about a long term relationship, our mind trails down to love itself. Therefore, to say the least, love is essential for not only a relationship but from the viewpoint of psychology, life as well.
But as important as it is to fall in love with someone to have a healthy relationship and happy life, not everyone can get there easily. There are plenty of people who want to be in a relationship but find it extremely hard to experience love.
Yes, you heard that right, there are plenty of people out here who instead of saying I love you, are more inclined towards I can’t fall in love.
Falling in love with someone isn’t as easy as it is depicted in the cinema or literature. Love at first sight? No. Thank you. Attraction, infatuation or lust at first sight? Well, that’s more likely to be it.
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Why I can’t fall in love?
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There are plenty of people who say I can’t fall in love as it’s extremely difficult for them to experience that connection, intimacy and affection with anyone around .
Speaking of the stats. In a survey carried on 5000 single men, it was concluded that almost 1 in every 5 of those men had never been in love.
On the other front, it was also found that 18% of single women were also riding the same boat, that is — a loveless life . Quite surprising, no?
I personally have had a fair share of friends, family members or other acquaintances who say I can’t fall in love. Majority of them have never been in love, or find it very difficult to do so and a few have even admitted to having pretended to be in love with their partner at some point of time in their relationships.
If you are one of the people who think – I can’t fall in love easily, There’s a good chance you’ve gotten used to words like — you’re too picky, it’s not that hard or you need to get over yourself. These statements might have driven you to question yourself.
What is wrong with me? You must have asked that from yourself plenty of times. But you should know, You are not alone and there is nothing wrong in feeling like I can’t fall in love as long as you don’t have any issue with these feelings.
There most certainly would be a good reason behind why you aren’t able to fall in love and as I always say — to tackle a problem, you’ll have to attack its roots. In other words, to solve a problem, you must know the reason behind it.
The answer to why I can’t fall in love most certainly lies in the reasoning of the Question itself.
Focusing on psychology for the time being, Here are 7 psychological blocks or issues that might halt your steps from walking towards a healthy relationship. Don’t forget to consider these psychological blocks before you declare I can’t fall in love.
1. People with commitment issues find it hard to fall in love.
Problems in the love department are often associated with various kinds of fears that are rooted deep into the minds of people and commitment issues or fear of committing yourself to another person for a long term is one of them.
People often fear and run away from commitments. It can be due to bad past experiences, childhood traumas, expectations of other partners, the pressure of relationships or the obligations that come with love.
You might even feel like you’re protecting yourself by not letting others come near to you or by creating a wall that keeps all the potential heartbreaks away from you.
What most people fail to understand is that this fear does more harm than good to the majority of them. It holds you back from a potentially healthy relationship and happiness.
2. Counter dependency.
Counter dependency is something that a lot of young couples are struggling with nowadays. What exactly is it? To keep it as concise as possible — it’s the fear of being dependent on someone or the fear of intimacy.
People who suffer from counter dependency often find it very difficult to lean on someone, be vulnerable or trust others hence limiting their chance at love. These people often brush off this issue by statements like :
- I don’t need anyone.
- No one can handle me.
- I’d rather have a successful career than a relationship.
- Relationships or people always disappoint you. Etc.
Love rather prospers well when paired with trust, intimacy and vulnerability. So, if you’re unable to love easily, there’s a good chance that you have counter dependency.
The signs that you’re counter dependant are as follows :
- Having a wall created around you, that you don’t let others cross easily or at all.
- Having issues with connecting with people.
- Pushing people away if they try to get too close without any warning.
- Not being able to trust others’ motives.
- Issues with Abandonment and rejections. Therefore to cope up with this feeling, you tend to reject/abandon people first.
- Not being able to have a long term relationship with a single person.
- Instead of reaching out for help or support from your partner, choose to complain and sulk
- You’re a perfectionist.
If you resonate with the above signs, there’s a good chance that you’ve having issues with counter dependency.
3. Low self-worth or self-esteem stop a person from falling in love.
Having repetitive thought like I can’t fall in love can sometimes be associated with low self-esteem issues. If you struggle with low self-worth issues, there’s a good possibility of you feeling like you’re not worthy of Love.
While it’s natural to feel low every now and then, people with low self-esteem issues tend to bend towards this negative side, a lot more than others. They often overlook their strengths and have their focus set on their flaws and weaknesses.
Your brains can either be your greatest ally or the cruellest enemy. If you feel like you’re not worthless or that you don’t deserve love, you’re not going to ever experience it. Instead, it increases your chances of attracting a toxic relationship.
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How to increase your self-esteem?
The following steps might help you to improve your self-esteem.
Note: I’m going to keep it very brief as self-esteem isn’t the major focus of this article.
- Focus on your skills and strengths instead of weakness.
- Identify your aspirations and set goals
- Try to improve your weakness. You don’t have to be the best at everything but trying to improve the weaknesses that make you the most anxious might give your mind the content that it needs.
- Pay good attention to self-care and self love. You can look into the Blessing Manifesting’s ultimate self-love planner and other add-ons to make self-care a priority in your life.
- Focus on your hobbies and things you’re already good at.
- Spend time with people who bring positivity into your life.
- Use affirmations.
- Identify the root of your negative thoughts. Where do they emerge from? Are they your own thoughts or something that you’ve picked up from around you?
- Focus on your mental health. This planner might be proven helpful for it. Do meditation and introduce a light workout or yoga into your daily routine.
- Join a support group.
- Go to therapy to solve your unchecked inner issues. Click here for the best online therapy program. In this program you’ll get a certified therapist, Workbooks, information sections, daily journal, activity plan, Weekly live sessions, yoga sessions, the right to message your therapist at any time of the day and more.
- You can look through self-help books, blogs and documentaries. Therapy-At-Home have the best, cost effective, do-it-yourself and therapist-guided workbooks for this purpose.
- Reading is quite good for your mental health.
- Do not forget to create a gratitude journal. You can write a daily or weekly report.
4. Childhood trauma.
Just like a lot of psychological problems and mental health issues, not being able to love can also be traced down to a person’s childhood traumas.
Like I have mentioned in one of my past articles: Every reaction is caused by an action that has taken place somewhere in the past.
If you find it hard to let someone into your life, there’s a good chance that it’s due to a childhood trauma that you may or may not even remember. A past traumatic experience, especially when left unsolved can push a person towards negativity to help them cope up with their inner stress.
According to Research, childhood trauma no matter what type (physical, emotional, sexual abuse or accidental) can have adverse effects on the mental health of a person and may also raise distress in adulthood relationships.
People who suffer from these issues, often find it hard to trust people. Eventually making it extremely difficult for these people to experience love.
Childhood traumas can also be considered as one of the main causes of counterdependency, which in the end leads to that person having issues with love and romantic relationships in general.
The best way to recover from this issue and eventually open your arms for love is to reach out and seek professional help i.e go to therapy or hire a psychologist.
5. Fear of getting Abandoned.
No one wants to be abandoned, not me, not you nor anyone else. Therefore getting a little anxious about being left alone is something that each one of us must have gone through at some point in time.
But if you regularly have thoughts like the person you’re dating is going to leave you, reject you, get fed up with you or cheat on you, and this thinking has limited your chance of trusting people or falling in love, then you might be suffering from abandonment issues.
This fear of being left alone can also stem from childhood traumas.
Children who are neglected by their parents, family members and other adults around them, or who go through other stressful times like a divorce or the death of a close one alone can have severe abandonment issues.
Counterdependency is also one of the causes of these issues, as mentioned in one of the above points people with counterdependency tend to have difficulties with trusting others. So, they abandon others for they don’t like to be the ones being left alone.
If you’re having a hard time with love. Ask yourself a question — are you having a hard time experiencing love or are you having a hard time finding someone worthy of your love?
If you’re a perfectionist, there’s a good chance that your answer would be the latter. Perfectionism after crossing a certain level becomes a psychological issue and these people tend to generally struggle with love. Why?
Well, they have pretty high standards of what they consider to be worthy of being their partner and unfortunately not many people fit into those standards.
They give pretty high regards to their self-respect and as they try to be their ultimate best at almost every aspect of their lives, they want their partners to do so as well.
They usually hold up very high standards for not only a partner but also their relationship. These expectations may sometimes even get unrealistic, limiting their chances of not only love but even a healthy relationship.
7. Having unrealistic standards.
Having standards so high that they become unrealistic is the most common reason behind people not being able to have a healthy relationship or declare I can’t find love.
These unrealistic standards are simply fuelled by literature and cinema. Therefore if you want to have a chance at love, you will have to learn the difference between fiction and reality.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying you shouldn’t have standards, you definitely should. Know your worth, keep in mind that you deserve the best but don’t cross the line of reality and inhumane standards.
The unfortunate thing is that people sometimes don’t even realise that their standards for a partner or expectations of a relationship are unrealistic.
If you have fallen into this trap or you doubt that you might have, ask yourself — how many people have you met with your current set of standards in your life?
It doesn’t have to include only your romantic encounters. If your answer is none. Then, your expectations are probably unrealistic for the circumstances and place you’re currently living in.
Conclusion: I can’t fall in love.
Some people want to be independent and hence see no need to commit to someone in order to seek happiness and content.
To them, keeping their opinions and a relationship alive at the same time might come off as a huge challenge.
The society we live in has some unspoken rules, that we all are and have been well aware of since we’ve started to understand how things work around us. As much as we don’t want to adhere to these rules, they’ve been rooted deep into our heads since we were children.
One of these expectations includes the notion of meeting someone, falling in love and settling down with them.
Even if you don’t pay much attention to these predetermined expectations, there still might be a part of you that has begun to doubt and feel guilty for not meeting these expectations or having no desire to do so without even realising it.
Therefore, before asking the question — why I can’t fall in love? Think about it — Do you even want love at this point in life?
The reality is, you don’t have to fall in love just because everyone around you has been doing so or because society expects you to do so. if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.
No matter what your age is until you’re ready for love and you’re willing to fall in love, you’ll be stuck on I can’t fall in love.
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Thank you for sticking with me till the very end.